This is hot topic right now. I am seeing and hearing about it in multiple groups and forums. It is never talked about and no support is given to the spouses who make the unimaginably hard decision that they don’t want to/ or can’t care for their spouse.
This is the link to the above article (https://thecaregiverspace.org/i-dont-want-to-be-my-husbands-caregiver/) and I will all so cut and past it in its entirety below … just in case Facebook finds away to disable the link. I hope they don’t. I can only guess the people that reported this article as abuse have never been in this horrific situation.
Caregiving for your spouse is hard. When your partner is diagnosed with a terminal illness or suffers a life altering accident your entire world changes. It is almost always assumed that the spouse is going to take on the primary caregiving role. Many people, more than you can imagine, do not want to do this. Some didn’t have great relationships before the incident, some have their own health problems that make the physical job of caring impossible, some have dreams and desires they don’t want to give up to become their spouse’s caregiver. We are not in their situation and we do not get to judge them.
Total care for your spouse. This is not the life either partner every dreamed of. Neither of them went into the relationship thinking they would end up caring full time for their spouse. In our wedding vows we say “to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part”. But how many of us let our minds wander to the worst case scenario? How many of us think about a life full of doctor’s appointments, hospice care, hospital beds, pee, poop, meds, insurance claims, medicare, wills, POA …. when we say those vows? We never think the unimaginable will happen … and sometimes it does.
It doesn’t make a person horrible when they are not capable or not willing to be a caregiver. It doesn’t make them selfish or mean. We can’t judge someone else’s choice. An accident or diagnosis doesn’t just affect the person, it affect ALL of those around them.
Some people start caring and the decided they can’t do it anymore. They want to life their life, they have dreams and desires. They have immense pressure from the outside. People telling them they are doing everything wrong, not doing enough … There are money struggles, intimacy struggles, family issues that are more intense than anyone can imagine.
There are so many reasons that people decide to take a step back. And it’s ok. I support you. If you ever want to talk reach out. I’m here and had my own very complicated caring situation.
– xoxo Victoria
I don’t want to be my husband’s caregiver
Yes, we both said our vows. But how many of us break them? Most of us, at one point or another.
Would he do this if our roles were reversed? Absolutely not. He’d be out of here in a minute.
He was cheating on me when his spine was crushed in a car accident. I have no idea where he was going that afternoon. He was supposed to be at work. It could have been a work meeting, a lunch time errand, whatever. But obviously I’m going to believe it was to meet her.
I had just found out, but hadn’t let him know I knew yet. I was deciding what to do; deciding if I should leave him or not.
And then I got the phone call.
It’s just assumed that I’ll take care of him. No one asked. I’m not sure how I would do it, though. I’m told it’ll take months for his disability to through. It’ll be years before we see any money from the lawsuit, if we ever get anything. I’m out on FMLA for now, but we can’t survive without an income. We were just barely getting by before.
I try not to think about the medical bills that are accumulating at this moment.
They keep talking about how they’ll be sending him home with me once he’s stable. As if I should be excited. I wasn’t sure if I wanted my husband home with me, but this isn’t really my husband. He’s like an ornery child. The personality changes could be temporary or permanent. He could regain the ability to do certain tasks on his own, depending on the severity of his TBI and how much his body heals.
This is not what I want for my life.
Before the accident my friends were telling me he didn’t deserve me. That I should pack up my bags and go. Or kick him out and fight him for the house in the divorce. Now those same friends are acting as if I should end my career and spend the rest of my days wiping his ass and fetching things for him. As if that was God’s plan for me.
Is it even an option to say no? How will I support us if I have to be here with him around the clock? Where will we live once we declare bankruptcy? What will happen to him if I leave.
It’s funny how once someone gets themselves smashed up they are made a saint. No one can say a bad thing about him now. But I will. He was a terrible husband.
And I don’t want to give up my life for his.